Dear Juice CEO

Somebody clearly hasn’t slept much lately. Luckily it’s our gain, just make sure they aren’t allowed near heavy machinery anytime soon.

Advice to a Juice CEO:

High fructose? I don’t judge. Maybe that fructose is going through something right now and needs to be high. Maybe it’s prescription. Better than bank robbery fructose, am I right? Put that on the box. Say “It’s better than bank robbery fructose.” And genetically modified- I don’t even know what that means but I have so many genes in my body and all of them want to be modified by a juice box right now. So thirsty.

Juice CEO, I don’t want water. I spent 9 months floating in that. I’m very familiar and know what it tastes like. There’s a reason it’s free and drops right out of the sky; it’s boring. I want to drink something that stains my face. When your juice leaves colors on my teeth it’s like it’s signing the yearbook of my mouth, you know?

via Dear Juice CEO | The Honest Toddler.

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