The Onion at the Oscars

I haven’t watched an Oscar telecast in decades, but man would I watch the hell out of this.

According to eyewitness accounts, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences President Howard Koch carried a large plastic tub filled with Academy Awards to the center of the stage halfway through the ceremony and wordlessly overturned the container, sending 120 of the highly prized trophies tumbling into a pile on the floor and causing screaming audience members to abruptly vault from their seats and charge toward the stage to reach the scattered Oscars.

Sources confirmed that over 1,000 guests suffered serious injuries from the stampede of actors, directors, producers, screenwriters, makeup artists, costume designers, dates, and cinematographers.

“There was this moment or two of eerie silence right after he dumped out the Oscars, and then all hell broke loose,” said actor Mark Ruffalo, bleeding profusely from a head wound and wincing in pain from an apparent dislocated shoulder. “Christ, people just went crazy while scrambling to get those trophies. I saw people out there—people I’ve worked with and know well—do terrible things. Just terrible things.”“I’m lucky to be alive,” Ruffalo added. “And lucky that I was able to get out of there with an Oscar for Best Production Design, too.”

via 240 Killed In Stampede After Bucketful Of Oscars Just Dumped On Stage | The Onion – Americas Finest News Source.

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